The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty
old "Field Marine." He loved his Marines and often slipped into
the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank
insignia on it.
He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this
way, assured of being given the same rations that the lowest
enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the
food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity.")
Upon becoming commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great
deal of "formal entertaining," fancy dinner parties in full dress
blue uniform. Now, the general would rather have been in the
field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch
of young "hard charging" Marines. But, the General knew his duty,
and as a Marine, he was determined to do it to the best of his
ability.
During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished
Marines from "Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and
I Streets in Washington, D.C.) were detailed to assume the
position of "parade rest" at various intervals around the
ballroom where the festivities were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined,
big-chested, blue haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went
around the room offering confections to the guests. When she
noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures
all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that
several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert Storm.
She made a beeline for the closest lance corporal. As she drew
near him she asked, "Would you like pastry young man?"
The young Marine snapped to "attention" and replied, "I don't eat
that shit, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of
"parade rest." His gaze remained fixed on some distant point
throughout the exchange. The fancy lady was taken back! She
blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled
was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard.
In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position "attention" (like the
arm of a mouse trap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said,
"I don't eat that shit Ma'am." And, just as smartly as before,
back to the position of "parade rest" he went.
This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became
incensed, and felt insulted. After all, here she was an
important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this
enlisted man, (well below her station in life). And he had the
nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, "Well I never...!"
The fancy lady remembered that she had met "that military man who
was overall these 'soldiers' a little earlier. She spotted
General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched
between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of liquor in
his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd
lieutenants.
The blue haired lady went straight over to the commandant and
interrupted, "General, I offered some pastry to that young man
over there. And, do you know what he told me?"
General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth
and said, "Well, no Ma'am. I don't." The lady took in a deep
breath, confident that she was expressing with her body language
her rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with
her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He said,
I - don't - eat - that - shit - Ma'am!"
The lieutenants standing there were in a state of flux. A couple
of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid
having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them
had was, "God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!", and the
color left their faces. General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his
eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to
his chin and expelled a subdued, "Hmmm." "Which one did you say
it was Ma'am?", the General asked. "That tall sturdy one right
over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug
satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put
a hand on the wall for support.
General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin,
wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up his expression changed to
one indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady
right in the eyes and said, "Well then, fuck him! Don't give him any."