New Law

Based on recent events involving the vice-president and his questionable hunting practices, the following bill is proposed to clear up any legal questions pertaining to future harvesting of attorneys:

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys

§    370.01    Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and Sport (non-commercial) purposes.

§    370.02    Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

§    370.03    Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

§    370.04    The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

§    370.05    It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

§    370.06    It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE," or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

§    370.07    It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

§    370.08    It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

§    370.09    If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

§    370.10    It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, accident victim, bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

§    370.11    Bag and Possession Limits per day:
        Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
        Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
        Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
        Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
        Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4;

NOTE: Honest attorneys remain protected under The Endangered Species Act.