Great Quotes #1

  1. Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
    ~Lillian Carter~ (mother of Jimmy Carter)
  2. I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
    ~Eleanor Roosevelt~
  3. Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
    ~Mark Twain~
  4. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.
    ~George Burns~
  5. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
    ~Victor Borge~
  6. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
    ~Mark Twain~
  7. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir. Mighty scarce.
    ~Mark Twain~
  8. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
  9. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    ~Groucho Marx~
  10. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stops to breathe.
    ~Jimmy Durante~
  11. The male is a domestic animal which if treated with firmness and kindness can be trained to do most things.
    ~Jilly Cooper~
  12. I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
    ~Zsa Zsa Gabor~
  13. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
    ~Alex Levine~
  14. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
    ~Mark Twain~
  15. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
    ~Ed Furgol~
  16. Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
    ~Spike Milligan~
  17. What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
    ~Henny Youngman~
  18. I am opposed to millionaires but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
    ~Mark Twain~
  19. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
    ~Joe Namath~
  20. Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
    ~Herbert Henry Asquith~
  21. I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
    ~Bob Hope~
  22. I never drink water. Fish fuck in it.
    ~WC Fields~
  23. We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
    ~Will Rogers~
  24. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
    ~Winston Churchill~
  25. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
    ~Phyllis Diller~
  26. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
    ~Billy Crystal~