Vatican Appoints Pope of Ventana Canyon

Date: May 3, 2005 5:23 PM
From: Pope of Earl
To: Ed Landes


Sadly, most wars over the centuries, and those being waged today, revolve around religion in one way or another. McHale center, and the nearby Arizona Stadium are actually more like the Roman Coliseum. You may recall that slaves and believers were cast before wild animals and gladiators for sport in these early ‘professional sports’ arenas..

This is very much like the pagan Roundballism that takes place right before our eyes in multiple venues around Tucson and most college and big sports towns.

To avoid unneeded bloodshed at these early stages of his Popedom, Pope Earl has decreed that McHale center may be named Vatican West ANNEX. The one and only Vatican West is here at Hole In the Wall Way – We have legal documents that prove our claim and will fabricate any others needed to ‘double-prove’ it if need be.

Claims for actual territory, as opposed to mere naming rights, will be vigorously defended, with force if needed. The Pope of Earl has connections with certain devoted followers based at the nearby AF base, and can muster A-10 Warthogs and C-130 Gunships with a wave of his Scepter (a graphite shafted ,10.5 degree one). Both of these weapon systems have the ability to spray depleted uranium shells over every square foot of a football field sized area in about 10 seconds. This would really make a mess of any Roundball courts that Pope Lutus needs for his simple-minded devotees to practice on.

As far as the two minute thing goes, Mother Candace has always told me that the last two minutes are the most important and I certainly agree with that. (Generally, in the Pope of Earl’s case, the last 2 minutes are the exact same 2 minutes as the first 2 minutes).

Earl.

PS:

Lute must be a Republican. I've always said there should be complete separation of church and state in this country.

Pope AND King is just not right (but it would have been had I thought of it first).

PPS:

Wasn't that McHale guy in the Navy?

Sent: Tuesday, May 03, 2005 10:23 AM
From: Paul Yarbrough
To: Pope of Earl


My regards to Pope Earl.

However, I think he should have taken the 5^th!

Pope Earl the 5^th!

Sent: Tuesday, May 03, 2005 5:23 PM
From: Pope of Earl
To: Paul Yarbrough


I did take a 5^th, followed by uncounted straight shots of Tequila.

That's how this whole thing got started.

Earl.

Sent: Tuesday, May 03, 2005 5:26 PM
From: Pope of Earl
To: ALL FOLLOWERS


While I was in Rome during the recent ceremonies involving my appointment as Pope of Ventana Canyon, I had an opportunity to do some research in the official archives and to eavesdrop on a bit of office gossip while hanging around the baptismal font with the folks who were there to congratulate me on my meteoric rise to the top.

I thought you might like to know this little tid-bit of Church history. Please read the following story for details.

Earl.

Interesting Inside Gossip
Straight from Rome

As I understand it, Ratzinger was not the Cardinals first choice. That was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B-17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and captured enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.

Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy.

They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
May 13, 2005
Ventana Canyon, Tucson, AZ

The Pope of Earl has released preliminary details about a planned fund-raising drive intended to address the needs of homeless orphans who have recently invaded the Ventana Canyon area of Tucson.

At a hastily called press conference the Pope said today "Late last month I promised to share with you our plans for developing new housing for the hundreds of homeless orphans that so many of my flock run into while playing golf in the Ventana Canyon area. Today, I'm pleased to provide a few photos of some of these children and to share with you some of our initial ideas on how their many needs may be addressed. Please join with the dozens of other residents of Ventana who have already made generous contributions to this important project."



Not far from Mountain Three, Cochiti was found near a Prickly Pear Cactus. Cochiti means 'forgotten'.


In the arroyo near Canyon 7, Gaspar will retrieve your lost balls no matter how far out of bounds they have flown. He asks $1.00 each for this service but be firm. Haggle a bit and you can get him down to a quarter (or even less in quantity).

Gaspar means 'master of treasure', an appropriate name for this cute little rascal. Keep an eye on the wheels of your golf cart and your bag of clubs while negotiations are in progress .. some of his collaborators have been known to lurk in the bushes close by while Gaspar attempts to distract you.




This gaggle of kids was found scrounging food in the dumpsters behind the Flying V. Your cash donations will go a long way to helping them find shelter and a warm meal. Sorry, but there are too many to name individually.


Devante is fast. Lightning Fast. He can outrun any rabbit on the course. This one is headed for the soup pot and will feed all the kids above for at least three meals. You've probably never seen a black and white rabbit on the course; Devante is the reason!


Someone captured this photo of 'you know who' poaching (in our territory!) on the course. If you see her in the area please call security and have her escorted OFF the property. Competing fund-raising efforts will only detract from our plans to provide shelter and food for OUR local orphans.




Four of Ventana's finest 'arm-candy' wives modeled for this concept photo showing how we plan to set up the bunk beds for the homeless orphans. Our plans call for slightly less fancy bedding, as shown in the photo below. We won't be supplying blankets as it is too hot to use them in the summer anyway.





Vigorous exercise will play a big part of keeping our orphan population strong and fit. For a small investment in some rope we can have them pull golf carts around the course ... this will save electricity (and the environment) because the carts won't need to be charged any more. No more expensive batteries to replace .. no more environmental damage from lead batteries filling our local dumps. The possibilities for good outcomes are endless!





A couple of cast-off Barbies brings light to the eyes of two of our newest arrivals.


Lest you think that only orphans from south of the border haunt our beautiful course, these two unidentified boys have been seen at numerous locations around the club.

They had plenty of cash (which Pope Earl has placed in trust for them), so we are pretty sure they were just left behind by snowbirds returning to Minneapolis.

Like all of our kids, regarldess of where they came from, they need a home.



For our youngest new arrivals, this 'three holer' goes a real mom one better. It will take care of the breast-feeding requirements of three hungry orphans at the same time!!.

As you can see from the photo, we desperately need to get someone to donate another chair for the third position at this bulk feeder unit.


The Ventana chapter of "Habitat for Orphans" built this prototype shelter near the snack bar at the driving range last weekend.

This may look a little rustic, but our team will be getting better with each housing unit they build as time goes on.




The bottom line is this: We need your financial support, immediately. We'll skip the melodramatic pleas on behalf of these poor creatures, who, through no fault of their own have ended up in our care. The following chart shows how your generous donations will be used.

Remember, our accounting system is not set up to accept credit cards or checks. Cash only. Due to high accounting and processing costs, donations made up of bills in denominations of less than $100 will not able to directed to the Ventana Canyon Homeless Orpahan's Fund, but, rest assured, they will be used for other worthy purposes.